Pure drivel...

Its been two and a half years since I entered medical school at All India Institute of Medical Sciences, New Delhi. Yeah, you got it right, the one that goes on strike at the drop of a hat (we have our reasons, but then most average people think we are gods and should be working all the time, while politicians and labourers get their share of strike-ing…silly logic, but that’s another story). Anyways, as I said before, and I’ll repeat it incase you forgot what I was talking about thanks to my talent for digression (blame it on Byron, he is the absolute champion of talking about everything else except the actual point…there I go again)- its been two and a half years since I entered medical school at All India Institute of Medical Sciences, New Delhi. I slogged for 2years at coaching institutes, reading all sorts of rot, which seemed pretty ok initially but was rot by the time I’d read it for the twentieth time by the summer of 2005. It was hard work, but then my goal was always unabashedly clear. A writer at heart, and a medical aspirant by parental nudging, the only way I was going to do MBBS was if I got admission in AIIMS or MAMC, else I would act smart, understand what Destiny was trying to say, and go on writing all my life. Maybe the fact that I made it to AIIMS by the skin of the teeth was a signal, but whatever – the fact is that I ditched writing, and managed to last long enough to sit for my first professional examinations. And then, miraculously survived the second professional Preparation Treatment, and sat for those exams too in December of 2007.

And all these years I have been tearing my hair out trying to see where exactly I am heading in a field that I still have zero (or rather negative, assuming such a thing possible) interest in. My escalating despair now is because deep down I know that I’m stuck in this muck for life, and because I also know that I know nothing much about it. Maybe the fact that I was never too hooked to the medical scheme of things lead me to study everything very superficially. Or maybe being used to performing very well all my life, the not-so-great performance in medical school academics made me lose interest. But the point of it all is that I know nothing. And I’m not too keen on learning. And I am definitely not keen on earning a living out of something I know nought about.

I don’t know how it all began. I blame it on the aptitude test which declared me to be perfect for a medical career. Right, whatever. And then my taste for academics. Which my parents exploited fully. I would study anything simply because I loved studying. So why not study medicine?? And then my absolute inability to rebel. Forget rebel, I can’t even throw a minor tantrum. And then, my ability to write decently well. If I had nothing else to possibly do in life, I might have studied better. Dreams of a novel in the ultra-free 6th and 7th semester were bright (of course now they are a reality several million light years away thanks to my plans of US MLE Step 1 in that time frame), and hopes for an alternate life without needing to complete my MBBS were strong.

And of course – nothing quite worked out. Thanks to which I am where I have already told you I am (isn’t that better? I think Byron is losing his hold over me).

The reference I quoted in the beginning talks about how he often cursed himself for entering this field, and at other times, thought he could be in no better place (of course, he doesn’t put it as well as I have, but then again, that’s about the only thing in life I am better at than him). I echo his sentiments.
I’ve talked enough of how I have always felt a misfit in this whole business of saving lives (perhaps the fact that I still refer to it as a business is the problem I’m unable to understand the sentiments involved in it all). But I’d be lying if I said that I’ve hated it 24x7.
There are times when I’ve seen touching incidents in the out-patient clinics, when a lost cause is treated with just as much sensitivity as an easy one, when no blame is laid where it would be humanly impossible to not lay blame, where concern and love is given, and rightly, no money expected in return. And at these times I have felt fortunate and blessed to be in a position to help, and make a difference. Even I have felt, albeit temporarily, the feeling which inspires people to have ‘always’ wanted to be doctors.

And of course, that perennial argument – you’ve spent so much time doing your MBBS, so you might as well do the whole thing.

Its very very funny. And very very confusing.

Why should I give up my life for others when I hadn’t bargained for all this in the first place? Its very nice and noble and good and all that, but that doesn’t mean that everyone who is not a doctor is bad.

And yeah right, you’ve wasted 6years already, so go on, go waste your whole life – no big deal.

But then, I should just shut up and go ahead and change my profession. Noone is holding my hand, are they?
That is the whole problem, the problem of weak-minded folks like me. Who have great plans for doing this, that and the other, but zero courage to actually go ahead and ditch all the ‘life security, good job for girls’ nonsense, and do what they want to.

Yeah right, my problem. Let’s see…how much I’m able to set it right.

p.s. Sorry- maybe I wasted quite a bit of your time, you may feel this blog wasn't so much for your reading as for helping me get over some mental bugs...maybe you're right...but what's done is done, no use crying over spilt milk..sorry, Byron again...