Perhaps....Maybe....(What if NOT...)

Perhaps you were right all along,
Maybe this just wasn't where we belonged,
Perhaps how it turned out would be the best,
Maybe it was just fantasy, rightfully laid to rest...

Shock and awe is how it began,
And the course of love was somehow never ran,
Perhaps the ingredients were just never there,
Maybe it was just flimsy paper, waiting to tear...

Getting ideas from some trivial words, alphabets and letters,
Thinking that you and me were 'we', for now and for ever,
Building cities and nations from a deck of cards,
Only to realise that I had been campaigning along a trail of glass shards...

Perhaps the wavelengths never quite matched,
Maybe the point of infatuation was the ultimate catch,
Perhaps I was just to eager to see things clear,
Or maybe too insecure, too lonely, in fear...

I sort of invested too heavily, emotionally,
Stubbornly declining your invites to think 'rationally',
Never entetained the scope that things could change,
And now-suddenly, its as if I'm lost in a blizzard, without a fire in life's grange...

And today I'm back where I began,
With thoughts of what could've been, dreams and plans,
I'd never considered the eventuality of life without you,
And now its killing me, as I think and un-think of what to do...

Its nobody's fault, or rather its mine,
You are still the 'perfect' man, no matter that 'we' were never really an entity in time,
You'll find your true positive soon, no 'perhaps' or 'maybe's,
While I resign myself to life with bitter sweet memories...

What if...

Joy.
At finding so perfect a match.
At being loved.
At finally having someone to go for a run with.
At being understood.

Belief.
In life - and its good side.
In the notion of emotion.
In someone who would always be there.
In myself - more than ever.

Security.
Of support when I lost hope.
Of an unconditional 'thoughts' punching bag.
Of assurance when the world, often, thought otherwise.
Of a final riddance of all lies.

Relief.
That I could stop thinking before I spoke.
That I could let tempers rise, and be met head on.
That I would be advised when I needed it - often.
That I could be myself, and not be judged on it.

Relief - that I wasn't alone.

Security - that I wasn't the one at fault.

Belief - in the beauty of life.

Joy - at being an 'us'....

CHHOTA MUNH, BADI BAAT...

Fresh from a trip to the USA, I was sitting in the Shatabdi Express, back to Chandigarh. Fresh froma 5week stay during which i had had chicken for breakfast, lunch and dinner (actually, he vegetarian family I had stayed with seemed to have been consumed by guilt, and had gone out of the way to give me as much chicken, fish and all things not vegetables as possible...) And the most amazing desserts I had ever had - the magic they had created out of chocolate, the cakes and the cookies...My mouth watered longingly as I thought of the heavenly place I had left behind - I longed for it once more. As I had longed for it countless times during the past few days since I had touched Indian shores .
Ofcourse, such an out-of-the-world culinary experience had come at a price.I had returned to India (and to reality) some kilograms heavier, some shirts un-fittable, some trousers unwearable. Anyhow, I comforted myself that I didn't have guilty hosts here who would feed me chicken 3 times a day - and my parenst weren't about to get that generous with their money - not after I had done shopping worth Rs 15000 in the US. Plus prospects of subsisting on hostel food loomed large in front of me - and I knew that my extra weight wouldn't last long on that. I hoped so.

Plus, most importantly, it wasn't as if I had gained tons ofweight or something. Just a little colour on the cheeks, a little fuller face - it made me look better. As one of my friends had told me. And OFCOURSE I believed her....

'Mrinal, didi ko hello kaho..', the young mother sitting next to me smiled at her little daughter, jumping up and down on her lap. I stopped agonising about my weight, and looked at her. Man, the mother was awfully young - 22 or something I guess. Scary. Chalo, none of my business. But Mrinal was really cute. I crinkled my eyes as I grinned at her, and shook her little hand.
Thats all I did. Honest. I didn't hit her or call her names or anything. So I have absolutely no idea what inspired her to say what she did say next.
'COW!!'
Mrinal pointed at me. Grinned happily. Then again yelled - 'COW!!'

I didn't know where to look. All sweet dreams of 'looking good' and 'colour in the cheeks' crashed to the ground. My friend must need glasses or something...

'Nahen beta, yeh didi hai - cow is outside,' the poor mother tried hard to cover up her daughter's amazing frankness - but the damage had been done. My eyes had been opened to the harsh truth, I no longer comforted myself with empty reassurances of 'good weight' - it had taken a 2year old's sharp tongue to make me see sense....

Cow...the word resounded in my ears, as I turned away the samosa the waiter offered me - you paid for it you fool, now eat it, yelled my stomach...it would have been my first samosa in weeks...but no, one look at Mrinal's happy laugh as she moo-ed at me, and I was resolute once again...

Rightly said. Chhota munh, badi baat...