BEFORE....


Why do I think so much? About what I have done, or might have done?Is it changing things, helping me, sorting out my problems, making my life better?
Its NOT - then what is the matter with me? Why do I always repent what I've done - why is everything that I 'should' have done but didn't the better choice?

Help me please - I"ll go mad living life in retrospect...

Why do I feel I'm stuck in the wrong place?Trapped in a zone of no hope?Stranded in a land of no return?
Is it because my expectations have been left sorely unfulfilled, and that I refuse to accept that I was wrong in expecting too much?Because I hoped for something, but what I got was just not it, any which way?
That I was, retrospectively, yet again, wrong in doing what I did?
And that what I feel now stems from my refusal to resign myself to conformation and society?That it is, all in all, a case of sour grapes?

Why do I feel abandoned, in the ‘big, bad world’, no one behind me, all alone? Why do I feel that I am not being allowed to do what I want to? To achieve what I dreamt of? That it’s a world of the ‘big’ and the ‘powerful’, and that ‘I’ just don’t matter any more? That being individual is a crime, that relationships suddenly have new, vastly different definitions? That I should just go with the flow and forget my own direction, regardless of where it lands me? That society has a role determined for me, and it might just be a no-role? And that, even in that eventuality, I have no say in the way my life is being run? That my self-esteem is my biggest vice, and my faith in myself my most disreputable aspect? That it is outlawed to believe you can do something different from what ‘they’ have envisioned for you and your like?

Is it that I have too many people telling me what to do, and too little maturity to understand any of it all?
That my life is a rope torn in two opposite directions, the only possible result being a break right down the middle?

Will there be no peace any more? Will I be hounded for my 'deeds' for as long as I exist, regardless of their trivial nature? Irrespective of the fact that they were not such issues after all? Or is this forced ignominy just ‘a passing phase’? Just as the 'big' pass on, and the buck of 'power' changes hands?
Or will I have a past without ever having one?

But first, someone please - WHERE EXACTLY AM I GETTING IT WRONG? Am I really suffering or am I just making it all up? Is it a case of self-infliction, or just a case of excess self-pity?

Is it really them or is it just me?